When the
superhero craze started in the early 2000s I was all about it, but now almost
fifteen years later let me just say that I have had my fill of super suits, bad
guys, and sequel after sequel of essentially the same story. Guy discovers he
has powers. Villain tricks guy. Guy wins with the power of virtues. Guy gets
girl who randomly pops up throughout the film for almost no reason. It has
become all about making an awesome action film, where superhero stories were
designed to create heroes to fight the villains that we felt threatened by in
our world. Thieves. Gangs. Nazis. Evil corporations. Communists. They were the
early villains and superheroes were our way of dreaming how we might stop them
given the chance. They were dreams, and now they are nightmares. Everywhere you
turn there is a new supermovie coming out, and its getting exhausting. We are
being haunted by nicely designed (or not) characters that are fun to watch for
an hour or so (or not), but in reality are forgettable amongst the sea of
similar supers.
For all of
the reasons in the rant above, I decided that I did not want to watch Jessica Jones, Marvel’s newest Netflix supershow. I was tired and unimpressed. However,
let me just say that I was completely surprised by what I saw in that first
episode. Jones was visceral and real. It evoked a fear in me that I have never
felt for a villain. I was tense and uncomfortable almost the entire show, and I
know that a lot if not all of it had to do with the fact that I have had a taste
of her fear in my life. The fear of utter helplessness. The fear of knowing
that something un-locatable is out there to destroy you. The fear of turning
the corner and it finding you. The fear of womanhood.
Jessica
Jones is by all standards a nightmare, but it is the nightmare we need to have.
In the
show, nowhere better is this nightmare brought to life than when Jessica, alone
and unguarded, has flashes of the man who abused her. The color of the shot
changes dramatically to bright neon blues and purples, and for a second his
past words or touch enter her present. He haunts her in these blue flashes,
perfectly capturing the feeling of when the raw nerve of a past trauma is
plucked by seemingly small moments in your life.
I have my
own blue flashes. Granted, they are not from nearly as traumatic of
experiences, but I have them all the same. The first happens anytime I hold and
object between my teeth in the front of my mouth, like a pen or a chopstick. In a flash of blue I gasp, involuntarily sucking in air as a quickly relive the
moment a toothbrush stabbed a quarter sized hole in the back of my soft pallet
at the age of ten. At the time I got the brilliant idea to finish brushing my
teeth underneath a crib, which ended with my having a hole in the back of my
mouth and less than an inch of toothbrush sticking out from between my lips.
Today you will never see me hold anything between my teeth. I will still hold
things with my lips or hold it to the side so it can’t slide down into my
mouth, but never between my teeth. My blue flash always reminds me, and an echo
of soreness holds in my throat just to make sure I’ve listened.
The other blue flash in my life I have decided not to go into more detail about on the world wide web. (Originally when I wrote this article the first time I had a long section located here about the second and much more intense blue flash in my life. But as I have decided to post this on a public site with my name attached to it I have decided to omit it. If you are curious feel free to e-mail me, I'm open to share. I just don't want to throw up the intimate details about my life that my family or friends might stumble upon.)
These
moments leave raw nerves dancing out on the edges of your soul and just like
when you stub your pinky toe, when they are touched it is intense, unexpected,
and violently painful physically, emotionally, and mentally. Never in a TV show
have a seen them capture what it is to have these moments. For those of us who
have them Jessica Jones can be jarring, but for those of you who don’t I pray
that you hear what this nightmare is trying to teach you. This is what it feels
like to be haunted by your past.
That being
said I am not some delicate snowflake you need to dance around, and if you
pluck one of my nerves I’m not going to hate you for it. The blue flashes are a
part of my life now, they are a piece of what makes me “me.” I write this not
to say, “this is how you all can conform better to my life and make me more
comfortable.” But instead to simply have you know what that kind of pain in my life
feels like and how well it has been captured by the folks behind Jessica Jones. It is like a blue flash that carries you back to the worst moment
of your life. It is a nightmare.
I hope that
through the rest of the show, like I said I’ve only watched the first episode,
Jessica Jones becomes the dream of those who have blue flashes. I hope that she
is able to overcome the monster that frayed the nerves of her soul. And I hope
that when she defeats him the blue flashes don’t stop, because I know mine
probably never will. May Miss Jones grow from a nightmare to a dream without
losing the reality of the lesson on pain and the blue flashes.
